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vinowinoOffline
Post subject:   PostPosted: Feb 02, 2014 - 08:32 PM
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It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

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Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. John Lennon.
 
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mjl1227
Post subject:   PostPosted: Feb 02, 2014 - 11:51 PM
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Probably a little dirty and sophomoric, but...

What's the difference between a priest and a zit?

A zit waits til you're 13 to come on your face Very Happy
 
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CaptainVagueOffline
Post subject:   PostPosted: Feb 07, 2014 - 02:13 PM
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As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

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"When he did show up we had a hard time finding something for him to do. Then one day he shows up and puts that great slide on "No Expectations". That was the last contribution I think Brian ever made." - Mick Jagger
 
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Heidler
Post subject: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Feb 14, 2014 - 07:42 AM
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That evil Canfield...

So petty, not really funny now, but considering it was " off-the-cuff " I thought it was kind of most pathetic...

He we are shopping in Tehachapi ( Canfield drove me in because I'd already had a few Beck's , and you don't want the " heat " to get you in this neck of the woods )
The " Poe-Leece " ( as they say in Philly ) are Sherriff's ( Deputies ) up here, and they're ready to cuff you for any minor infraction ( not to mention - drink / drive )

We got to the check-out, everything's cool, and as we load-up the conveyor-belt, Canfield stepped ahead of me. ( Oh God )
The items start travelling down the conveyer belt, and Canfield spies some cans of pork and beans ( we always like them with " Saturday hot dogs " when he visits )

Canfield says to the lovely young cashier:

" I'm buyin' these beans today, so I can have a bubble-bath tomorrow "

I held my breath, but she started laughing, we all did,so all's well.

That evil Canfield is like a surgeon at the old Westwood V.A. - he keeps me in stitches...


H

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wurlitzer1450Offline
Post subject: RE: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Feb 14, 2014 - 06:42 PM
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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber
pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled,
"Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,
"You need more ammo."

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near the little town of nervous, new mexico
 
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stephenjayeOffline
Post subject:   PostPosted: Feb 15, 2014 - 08:27 AM
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A guy carrying a set of jumper cables enters a bar and is immediately stopped by the doorman. The bruiser looks the guy up and down and says "OK, you can come in but don't try starting anything".

And oldie... apologies if posted previously.
 
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RidinTheWind
Post subject:   PostPosted: Feb 18, 2014 - 11:58 AM
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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 7

One to blame the former electrician.
One to take money from electricians wanting the job of changing the bulb.
One to not notice being in the dark.
One to unscrew the bulb.
One to screw the taxpayers.
One to screw the bad bulb back in.
And one to call it reform.

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gbfrank
Post subject:   PostPosted: Feb 19, 2014 - 06:25 PM
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Confession

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:



Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

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wurlitzer1450Offline
Post subject: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Mar 30, 2014 - 09:34 AM
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A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.

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gbfrank
Post subject: RE: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Mar 30, 2014 - 10:17 PM
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Smile

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