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stephenjayeOffline
Post subject: RE: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Apr 01, 2014 - 09:39 AM
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A woman is in her gynecologist's office for an exam and she says "Doctor, I'm having this problem when I urinate. After I'm finished, I see coins in the toilet bowl- Dimes, quarters, nickels, whatever."

Doctor: "That's nothing to worry about- You're just going through the change."
 
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wurlitzer1450Offline
Post subject: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Apr 01, 2014 - 02:07 PM
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the golf coarse genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my
window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete
with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.


'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

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near the little town of nervous, new mexico
 
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RidinTheWind
Post subject: RE: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Apr 01, 2014 - 03:54 PM
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Laughing Laughing

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Anyone who thinks he has a foolproof plan hasn't counted on the ingenuity of fools.
 
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stephenjayeOffline
Post subject: RE: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Apr 07, 2014 - 06:36 AM
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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame bird?
A: Tame way.
 
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vinowinoOffline
Post subject: RE: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Apr 17, 2014 - 11:56 PM
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A man and his wife had been married for many years, and sometimes they disagreed on something. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard long into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him and the old man liked the fact that he was feared.

Then one evening, when he was 98 years old, he died. After the burial, her neighbours, being concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

"Oh no", his wife replied, "Let him dig if he must. I had him buried up side down and you know he'll never liked to ask directions".

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Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. John Lennon.
 
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wurlitzer1450Offline
Post subject: RE: Bad joke thread gone???  PostPosted: Apr 19, 2014 - 07:32 PM
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LUS [Laughing Up Sleeve]

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near the little town of nervous, new mexico
 
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stephenjayeOffline
Post subject:   PostPosted: May 10, 2014 - 12:22 PM
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Q: What did one sperm say to the other sperm?

A: Last one in gets a rotten egg.

:ouch:
 
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gbfrank
Post subject:   PostPosted: May 26, 2014 - 08:41 PM
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I’m not the best looking guy; some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days.

But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time
casually riding from place to place.

I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought,

“Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”

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Everybody is entitled to their opinion, even if it's wrong, which it is, uh, most of the time, maybe....or not.
 
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vinowinoOffline
Post subject:   PostPosted: May 27, 2014 - 03:03 AM
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.’ “That was two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.  ‘And it won.” Oh darling, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came round, he asked, ‘What was that for?’
“Your horse phoned today.”

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Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. John Lennon.
 
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wand143Offline
Post subject:   PostPosted: Jun 13, 2014 - 05:51 AM
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I thought I'd heard them all until my daughter found this one in one of her joke books:
What's black and white and black and white and green?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle!

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"That big ol' hole, little bitty record...nobody's gonna buy that!" - Carl Perkins, 1956
 
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